It’s been about 4 years since things have ended with my twin flame. (I originally wrote this blog a year out.) I finally raised my self-esteem enough, learned about twin flames, and realized that I deserved someone who was really available for an adult relationship no matter how strong the pull and how amazing the chemistry was. And no matter how “at home” and “right” things felt with him.
Things I learned:
I’m responsible for my own happiness.
This was a big one for me and I learned this from listening to hours of Abraham Hicks youtube videos. Everyone with a twin flame knows the searing pain of being separated from them. And the souring feelings you get when you are with them. You are basically dependent on them to be in a good mood. I used to get tension headaches at work and not be able to focus. I would grump around when I was having problems with him or he didn’t text me back or was being funny about meeting up.
But now I focus my thoughts. Work as hard as I can to get in a good mood everyday. I know I don’t need things and people to act and be a certain way for me to be happy. I can find peace and a better feeling in any situation. I pep talk myself all the time in my journal. I always telling myself sweet things. I stop myself before I downward spiral into tears. I take positive thoughts and spiral them up. Finding more and more things to be happy about (my house, my couch, etc)
I can feel at home with myself.
One of my favorite feelings of being with a twin flame is the feeling of being home. True peace. Again I learned I can feel at home just being with myself. Connecting to my higher self – either through meditating, reading or watching soul inspired things, connecting with nature, and helping others. I finally got the picture that the higher part of me wanted to be connected with my everyday. I started to see the world from that higher-self part of me. Suddenly I could connect with others in a deeper way from the barista to old friends. Nights used to be the hardest for me but I began focusing my thoughts away from him at night. Kind of mentally slap myself when my thoughts would drift that way. I would also give myself lots of pep talks about how things will get better and I just need to focus on me.
Feeling lonely is just missing a deep connection with yourself.
This ties into the previous lesson. I would be okay 90% of the time and the rest of the time I would get this deep, painful, pit in the stomach of feeling lonely. I could go out with friends and still feel really lonely. It was a specific loneliness, a loneliness that no other guys could fill. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t have a twin flame could know what it feels like. After listening to Abraham Hicks, I realized I was just lonely for a connection with my higher-self. So I stopped doing anything I didn’t want to do – stopped hanging out with people I didn’t like, or going to bars I didn’t want to. To stop trying to date. Stop trying to enjoying people who I didn’t really enjoy. I gave myself permission to do whatever I wanted to do and to have fun doing it. Netflix, long walks, trips, etc. Slowly over a month or so I finally stopped feeling lonely.
Someone more amazing is lined up for me.
It was a long, slow progression to come to know deep within my bones that someone more amazing is coming. I don’t think, hope, dream, believe. I know. So really I have nothing to worry about. I can relax. It is such a relief. But it went something like this:
- I’ll never meet anyone as amazing as my twin flame. He is the one.
- I guess I will just settle with someone so I can have a family.
- Maybe I will meet someone else as great but it will take too long to meet them and I’ll be too old.
- Maybe I will meet someone else as great but I have to go on a lot of lame dates and out to bars. Or I’ll have to move because no guys in Austin commit.
- Hmm Maybe I’m really good at attracting members of my soul family so maybe I’ll be good at attracting my soul mate someone who wants the same as me.
- Yeah I’m good at focusing and attracting. I can have whatever I want. I know I can attract my soul mate, but what if he doesn’t want to commit, what if I sleep with him too soon, what if I need to lose a lot of weight, what if it takes me forever to find him. Will I meet him before I move or after? Should I wait for him?
- Finally, yeah he is on his way. I can relax. Be me. Have fun. Enjoy dating. Nothing to worry about.
I craved to feel chosen, so I need to choose myself.
My twin flame could never really chose me. He couldn’t make the relationship work and I never felt like he was truly picking and prioritizing me (all the running and chasing). After a few more dating experiences I realized I really want to feel like a guy has picked me above any others. When I wouldn’t feel picked, it would upset me (to differing degrees depending on how much I liked the guy). Maybe they would go back to their ex or maybe they took me on lame dates. So I realized I had to “choose” myself. It’s an inside job to make myself feel chosen or special (pretty, important, amazing, cherished, etc). No one, not even a twin flame, can make you feel chosen and special all the time. Humans are humans. So I asked myself how I can choose myself more. I realized I could commit more to projects, friends, find my passion, and doing things that made me happy. I also learned to enjoy chemistry with guys and not to take as it means we are meant to be. It's just a fun connection and it's highly likely we would have great sex if I wanted to sleep with them.
They wouldn't commit to me so I need to be more committed to myself.
A common theme in many of my relationships is that the guy won't commit. Well I've never completely committed to myself. I need to commit to taking care of myself - emotionally, physically and spiritually. I need to commit to my business (this is the hardest for me). I need to commit to my happiness and joy.
"her external relationships were always mirroring back to her, her internal relationship with herself".
I haven’t met that other person yet. But wow. Look at what all I have learned. It really doesn't matter that I'm still single. (<--it's took me awhile and hard work to get to this feeling) I learned major things that people go lifetimes not getting. Things I watch my parents struggle with. Twin flame relationships are incredible teaching experiences. I truly don’t know how else I would’ve learned all those things.
I hardly think about him anymore. I wish him the best. I used to wish we would magically get back together. I wished he would burn alive. But now if I think of him it is out of habit. I'll do a little telepathic wave and wish him the best.
If things would’ve worked out, I would still be at the same crappy job, focused solely on whatever he was doing and reacting, looking to him for my happiness, riding the roller coaster of the twin flame relationship, being completely at the mercy of his mental state/ability to commit/running + chasing. I wouldn’t be spiritually connected like I am today. I've attracted more soul mates but just as friends. I can't wait to see who I will attract next.
So it's been about 2 or 3 years post twin flame. I put my stuff in storage and went on a year long journey around the world. Met lots of amazing people and boys who triggered me and helped me heal.
It's funny to date post twin flame because it's likely no one will match that intense connection I had with him. But it is so easy to find someone who treats me so much better than him. Someone reliable, stable, affectionate, ready for commitment, texts right back, doesn't disappear not even for a day, communicates clearly and openly, someone that doesn't recoil at the idea of marriage, someone who I can give and give and give to. And someone who gives and gives and gives to me.
I've found I got a lot of wounds from my twin flame relationship and it's taking a very kind, patient, and sweet soul to help me heal. It's taken work on my end to blindly trust that someone has good intentions. To trust they will keep showing up. I've had to really learn to live in the moment and not worry about where things are going.
So keep hanging in there after your break up. Know there are more amazing people out there.
Know that you've got healing to do and that you will have to be brave. But really nothing is so awful after going through the twin flame crap. :)
2017 update. About 4 years from breaking up with my twin.
Those of you who get my newsletter know that I have met someone else. He won't be a long term love because we differ on having kids. But this guy was basically my twin flame 2.0. Looks like him, drives the same unusual car, triggers my wounds, but is a giant love bug.
Same soul connection but without the traumatic withholding and fear (on both sides).
My relationship is totally different. I aim to act from Love not Fear. That is the complete opposite of how I used to be with my twin. When I'm afraid to send a text because I don't want to look needy. I send it anyway. When I'm feeling triggered, I call him and ask him what's going on and how I feel. I'm not longer afraid of break ups. Hey we had an amazing time! I got so much! You want to leave.. fine go ahead :) That is my spirit now. More in flow. Less clingy and needing. But also more clinging and needing. More vulnerability. More sharing my big heart.
I want my heart to be unbreakable. To love boldly.
Also I've made this relationship about me. My needs. My lessons. My wants. With my twin I was focused on what he wanted. Where the thought we were headed. How he treated me. Now I focus on what I want, where I am going (does this guy fit?), how can I show up.
I realized I get to fall in love as many times as I want.
I'll wait til my death bed to decide who was my twin, soulmate, etc. Labels don't matter.
I get to break up as many times as I need and it's okay. It's great. There is so much beauty in a break up.
Trust me when you date and love like this. Your friends will not understand. ha. They will think you are nuts. But it is so freeing! So freeing not to care who text who first. Who said what and where and why.
To speak and act from love. To not guard your heart.