We all have limiting beliefs about dating, ourselves, men, and the world around us. Some of them are so ingrained, you don’t even realize they are only beliefs not facts. When we put limitations on ourselves or others, when we judge, make generalizations, rules about groups of people or behavior, or see things as black and white, we can be sure we are creating a limiting belief.
What do they do?
In the world of dating these limiting beliefs are doing an amazing job of protecting you from rejection, keeping your victim story alive, fortify the walls you built up, and make sure you attract all the negative things you know are out there. They either put you down or make others out to be monsters, but they’ll for sure keep you right in the place you think you deserve. You can sit back and relax as they silently control your behavior so you end up getting and seeing exactly what is you believe like an Amazon wish list. They are contagious and can be passed from girlfriend to girlfriend. They will completely define you.
What you focus on expands
What you fear most you attract
Insistence means investment
What you resist persist
Projection is perception
Where do they come from?
We pick up these bad boys from our parents, mean girls in middle school, watching TV, ex-boyfriends, ex imaginary boyfriends, times when we fail, times when we get rejected or feel left out.
How can I dig mine up?
You can talk with friends or journal about what you know to be true about men, love, yourself, etc. Sometimes it won’t jump out to you until you say it out loud or have someone challenge it. You can also write down all those great reasons you came up with as to why he won’t commit, why he didn’t call you back, or why you aren’t married yet.
Love is ____
Men are ______
I deserve ______
I’m not ______ enough.
If only I was _________ guys would be attracted to me.
Men only like ___________ girls.
Here are some great examples of limiting beliefs divided into some popular categories.
- I’m not pretty enough http://www.yourenotprettyenough.com/v2/
- I’m not thin enough for guys to like me.
- He only likes girls with/are (big boobs, brown hair, blonde hair, Jewish, White, Hispanic, exotic looking, long legs, etc).
- I’m funny looking.
- I’m not interesting enough.
- I’m too shy to meet men.
- If I don’t keep my looks up, he will leave me.
- Once he gets to know me, he won’t like me anymore.
Men in General- Either placed on a pedestal or poop on our shoes:
- All men will eventually (leave, cheat, lie, lose interest), or the ones who don’t won’t ever like me.
- All guys are (assholes, jerks, rude, stupid, liars, children).
- You can’t rely on men to (do what they say, show up, help out, pay bills, be faithful, or understand).
- If he hurts my feelings or makes me cry, he doesn’t love me.
- Guys only like drama queens, party girls, dumb girls, mean girls, young girls, fun girls, unavailable girls, short girls, high maintenance girls, sporty girls, etc.
- Guys won’t date me because I have a kid.
- Men in this city don’t want serious relationships.
- I don’t need a man.
- I need a man – to complete me, make me happy, or to make life easier.
- Men just want sex.
- Men only want what they can’t have.
- All the good guys are boring, unattractive, taken, or poor.
- There are no hot guys in this bar, town, school, or event.
- Men are intimidated by smart, successful, well-educated girls.
- Men can’t handle my personality, my sex drive, my emotions, or my demands.
- Men only like girls who are dumber than them or who make less money than them.
- Men only want to take me out for drinks or coffee and never a real date.
- Men only want to be my friend or mother them.
- I can’t date because I have no money.
- I can’t date because I’m busy with (work, school, life, travel raising children).
- I don’t deserve happiness or love or even if I get it will just go away.
- I’m not lucky in love.
- It took me so long to find a man I better marry him.
- I better take what I can get now because my biological clock is ticking.
- I should feel lucky someone is dating me or marrying me.
- You can only be best friends with guys or have hot chemistry. Never both with the same guy.
- I’m not smart enough, well-traveled enough, young enough, good enough, talented enough, cool enough for him.
- It’s impossible to date in this town. Everyone is married. Everyone just wants to casually date.
- He is my last chance at love. I’ll never feel this way about anyone else.
- All my friends are married or dating so something is obviously wrong with me.
- I (sounded stupid on the date, tripped, talked too much, was boring) so that is why he didn’t call me back.
- Love is hard, impossible, hard to find, earned, or rare.
- I’ll have to give up my life, my identity, my world to be with a man.
- I’ll never get over him.
The common themes are
you aren’t enough for someone,
they aren’t enough for you,
or quality men are scarce.
How can I get rid of these limiting beliefs?
1. Recognize and identify them.
2. Examine them. Take a closer look. Are all men assholes? Can you name at least on guy that isn’t? Then you can’t say that is true. Surround yourself with people who will challenge your limiting beliefs.
3. Write it out. Journal all your negative, limiting beliefs and rewrite the positive version next to it. Often just looking at the paper and even being open to seeing how they are false will make a difference in your life.
4. Who would you be if you didn’t have to believe these? Write that out. Then go out and be her.
5. If they are too deep or you don’t feel like you have made any progress. Try a therapist or life coach. You can find one on Psychology Today. Also check with your insurance company to see who is in your network.
Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles -40 day work book that helps you face your fears, deal with your ego, and learn forgiveness.
What are some of your silly limiting beliefs? Do you have any besides dating ones?
Where did you get your beliefs from?