Masculine and Feminine Energy - Where the spark comes from..

Masculine vs feminine Energy Crash Course

Everyone has a masculine and feminine energy within them. However most people are naturally on one end of the spectrum or the other. People with opposite energies will attract sexually. It’s called sexual polarity. It's the spark and sizzle. 

Experts say it’s what gives up chemistry and spark and is the foundation of romantic love. David Deida suggests that 80% of men are masculine and 80% of women are feminine. It’s important to have both well developed in you, but essential to be able to fall back into your natural energy around your romantic partner.

Sex and the City Example

It's not masculine as in muscle man and feminine as in a women in a dress and makeup. Think about Sex and the City. Charlotte would be the most feminine, then Carrie, then Samantha starts to get more masculine, and finally Miranda has the most masculine energy. All of these career women are well dressed and love heels. Yet you can see the range in feminine and masculine energy. You can also look at the men they attract to see how they get their opposite energy. Steve who more emotional and less career driven is attracted to Miranda. Carrie who is more feminine is attracted to the masculine Mr. Big.

To help you better understand these two energies let’s make a list compiled from the masculine/feminine gurus.  These are clearly over-generalizations but will give you an idea.

FW=Feminine Woman MM=Masculine Man



A note about this table:

This list is a little black and white. You don’t need to always be feminine. It is suggested that you try to be the feminine more times than not in your relationship. Thankfully we have also evolved that woman who is more at home in masculine energy can build a wonderful life with a man who is happy in his feminine energy. We now have a choice. Nothing wrong there! Own it girl.

Evidence of Masculine and Feminine Energy in today’s world:

This really explains why women swoon reading romance novels when a man forcibly takes his woman in his arms. And men’s chest puff up when they kill spiders and fixing things.  You can see how we have evolved to a culture of men asking women out and paying for dates, more men at the top of companies, and more women in arts and child care.

Deida suggests that you do what feels like a gift to your partner. Usually for men taking out trash feels more like a gift than it would to a woman, who might feel like packing everyone’s lunch is a gift.

David Deida explains the evolution of all this in three steps:

1.       I need a man – he completes me. Bimbo stage and macho man. Also think 50s housewife. He controls her by her being dependent (financially, physical force, emotionally etc.)There is little mature love in these relationships, but they can be intense.  

2.       I don’t need a man – women’s movement. We can work. And we can date a man and split everything 50/50: chores, childcare, mortgage payments.  There is love but both partners are so neutral that there is little chemistry.

3.       I don’t need a man but he can take me deeper spiritually and developmentally than I can on my own. Love and chemistry.

Can you tell which phase you are in? It’s likely relationships go back and forth through all the phases.


Have you rejected your core energy?

We now have a problem of over developing or rejecting our core energies.

Masculine Women:

This blog assumes you are a feminine woman at your core and that you might have been in man’s world for so long you really developed your masculine side to hold your own around a conference table. You might have had bad experiences or traumas with masculine men or your father and you’ve had to downplay your feminine just to survive and feel safe. You can also see how we women have become more masculine in dating. Always being strong and playing hard to get -not letting men see our vulnerable side, giving men career advice on dates, and doing it all on our own and not asking for help.

It’s also possible you might truly have a masculine core. This doesn’t mean you have to have a buzz cut and wear military boots. You can take the quiz in Pat Allen’s Getting to I Do book to find out what your core energy is if you are unsure about whether you are naturally masculine or have rejected your feminine. 

Feminine Men:

You can also see we have a lot of men who have developed their feminine side (or rejected their masculine side). They have little drive and purpose in their life. They wait for women to ask them out or text them first, or they don’t mind if you take care of all the logistics of their life and relationship (aka you pursue them). They lean on you for financial and emotional support. They may be 30 with no career prospects or don't seem too embarrassed to not have a car or their own place. (There are also naturally feminine men out there who are not losers and would make wonderful partners for naturally masculine women.)

Can you see now why a beautiful, successful career girl would end up attracting a guy living on his friends couch? Opposites attract. 

You can also see how a successful man could be deeply attracted to a waitress? He isn’t looking for a business partner who never needs him or shows her “weaknesses.”

Do I have to play dumb to be feminine?

It’s not about quitting your job or dumbing down to be more feminine. It’s about switching back to your feminine energy, if that is your main energy, and bringing that into your relationships after work. Experts also say that it is best to play up these differences in the beginning of the relationship but after awhile you can split a bill, plan a date for him, or be the one to fix the cars if that is your talent. Read my article on how to be more submissive/feminine.

I feel and look feminine. How do I know if I need to be more feminine?

  • Are you attracting wimpy losers? Men with no ambition, feminine men?
  • Do I have to be the relationship director or only attract men looking for something casual?
  • When a man does something for you or gives you something do you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed?
  • Do you feel you have to pay back a man or return the favor if a man does something for you or gives you something?
  • Does having a friends with benefits relationship or a boy toy more appealing than a relationship?
  • Are you uncomfortable letting a man see you cry?
  • Do the words “submissive” “vulnerable” “surrender” or “feelings” make you uneasy?
  • Do you love being in control?
  • Do you rarely do leisurely activities for no real reason at all? Or are you always logical, efficient, and rational with your time?

The Good Men Project has a great graph to help you see what energy you are putting off by looking at what energy you are attracting or vice versa.

How to be More Feminine... 

Rene Wade has some great advice on how to be more feminine on her website.

To get you started, here is a quick list of activities that bring our your feminine energy:

Yoga, dance, naps, massages, swimming, getting out in nature, cooking, planting a garden, painting, knitting, flower arranging, home decorating/design, sewing, music, walking, lounging by the pool, make up, fashion, getting together with friends, playing with children, petting an animal, lingerie, bubble baths, singing…

Notice how these things have no real purpose besides relaxing, beauty, and joy. You might even feel more relaxed after reading that list.  As a society we put monetary value on masculine things that have a purpose and utility. However, these feminine pursuits bring just as much value, light and love the world but don’t necessarily build or produce something tangible.

Rori Raye suggests in her work that you should use your "girl energy" and lean back in the relationship. When you lean back (stop trying to fix, control, direct, do), he has no choice but to step up to the plate and take on the "boy energy." 


This sexual polarity concept/theory really speaks to me, so be on the lookout for more posts on masculine and feminine cities, how to be more feminine, etc.


Rene Wade

David Deida

Dr. Pat Allen-Getting to I Do

Rori Raye

You can also watch some of David Deida's workshops on youtube. Beware they are a little hippy dippy. 

Does any of this make you cringe? Are you the more masculine one in your relationship right now? How can you be more feminine when it comes to dating and relationships?